Was it you
Was it me
I don't know if I'll ever really know...

There was a time when I thought
I knew what happy was
And that sometime was with you

But now I don't really know...

I'm second guessin'
Everything I've done
Tired of feelin' so alone

Want you to see
The pain you've done to me
But I could never let you know

And I don't really know...

If I can take this heartache through the winter nights
If I can find the shallow pool of never ending light
Because to pull me up out of this puddle of fears
Will take the strength of someone, able to lift my tears

My heart is broken
In pieces on the floor
Shattered like my dreams

Sometimes I wonder
What I'm livin' for
Other times I don't even ask

And I still don't even know...

Wonder sometimes
If I'll ever let you go
Still not havin' any luck

Because you were the one
I'd waited for forever
Then I pissed all over time

And now I'll never know

How do I...

Ever get over you?

I know where you went when you left last night... I could feel it in my bones.  I want to be happy for you because you are obviously happy.  But I am having a really hard time with all of this right now.  It seems so effortless for you to let it happen and I'm afraid, I'll never find that ease.  It hurts me tremendously that you've been able to work through this and I'm still stuck as your wife in my brain.  What you and I had (and continue to alternately have) was/is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I know I have to let you go.  I know that I do... I just don't know how.  I don't find solace in trying to find someone else... I'm pretty much living the theory that someone is just going to have to blow me away for me to start to let go of the heartstrings that tie me to you... so far, no dice.  Nicky wants me so bad she can't stand it.  Sarah wants me so bad that I can't stand it... but neither one of them have your charm, your humor, you insatiable need to have a good time, or your understanding of how my brain and heart work. 

I'm too deep into you and there is no lifeline to help me crawl out.  I don't want 'us' to be my undoing... but it is a train that is barreling toward me and my foot is stuck in the track.  Do you know what that's like?  I don't know if anyone does, but...

I HAVE to find a way out.  You're moving on and I have to be okay with that.  It's probably time for me to stop wallowing in my own misery and I need to gain some separation... only trouble is, you are my confidant... you're my emotional provider... my only one.  I feel like I've done too much growing already in my life.  I know more and hurt more than one person should.  Your dad... your aunt Sue... they are my family too and I grieve for them as well. 

I will try today to start over.  I will try to find someone who will help me get past the love and the loss that I feel for you.  I suppose I have to start somewhere, right?

Lost...

It's amazing.  Sometimes, you look back at moments that you thought were pure chaos where there were a million things going on and not nearly enough time to do them.  You truly believe that there is no way you'll ever dig your way out of everything you have to do.

Today, I find myself with a million and one things to do but it feels so much different.  It's almost like I don't want them to get done.  It's because I know what that will ultimately mean.  It will mean the end.  An end that I've been avoiding for years now... and end that didn't have to be.

If only I could be different... if only you could too.  It hurts me more to think that you will not be the biggest part of my life than I ever thought it could.  I remember when we met.  I remember those times like I just lived them yesterday.  I remember chasing you down for a year and I remember you finally giving in.  I was so scared I was going to screw it all up that I tried to play it safe... the safer I tried to play it, the more distant we became...

You didn't fall in love with safe.  You fell in love with me.  But after years of trying to be old before I was, I lost me and you lost me and we lost we.  I will never forgive myself for putting us through that.  Because the pain that I feel right now tells me that there is more love still left in my heart... more than I realized even when we first met.  And I feel like I've let you down... I feel like I let US down.

I just want you to know that I will never stop loving you.  I am sorry for losing who I was in the hopes of being who I thought I should be.  I know there is no going back.  Too many years of too much stuff make that impossible.  You told me on our wedding day that "you weren't going anywhere" and that I wasn't "going to get rid of" you "that easy." 

No, it wasn't easy... It wasn't easy at all...

And Now You're Gone

I had planned on having a year to figure all of this out...
See what happens when I make plans?
I didn't anticipate Pops dying.  It was the farthest thing from my mind...  Of course, that's a lie.  I felt it too long ago to be comfortable with it.  What I didn't think through was how quickly you'd just up and leave.  There wasn't even a question.  "I'm going to go spend a couple of days at dad's" turned into a moving party apparently.  It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through thus far in my life to lose your dad.  I wasn't ready to lose you both at the same time.  I just never thought that was the way it would happen... I just never really thought about my life without you being the biggest part of it...  Even since we've been apart, you've still been there.  We were still cool and we were still kinda Ames and Jess... I'm pretty sure those days are gone now... Please tell me we're not completely through.  Please tell me that you and I will always be in each others lives.  I can't bear the thought of you 'dying' too.  I think I'd have to die with you...

Breathe Out

one of the last nails in the coffin as i set forth to try and realize why we are not together anymore...  You touch a part of my soul that i'm not sure god could... that i know god could not.  I see inside yours too with an x-ray vision possessed by no other soul on this planet.  We both hurt, we both see through it and know, but are completely unwilling to travel down that road again. 
you will always be special to me.  You will be the one who trusted me enough to fall in love with me... there may ne'er be another.  I may not be able to stand another one.
We almost had it right... almost.  But our differences were just to strong to prevent the overlap.

I will miss you terribly.  Most of all, in fact. 

I don't know what else i can say now...

Breathe In

Sometimes your heroes don't have far to fall... but it's only because you've lifted yourself up and realized they were never that far above you to begin with...

Your spirit haunts me to this day.  But yet, I don't fit any profile... I don't know how to handle what I cannot understand.  You make me unable to understand myself... that is the worst kind of terrorism... damnit woman... why will you not just please fucking let me go?  Why do you force me to hang on to you.  I know you're unhappy but that doesn't mean I have to be too.  Fuck you and your untouchable face.

Why Do I Even Care?

It's the same old question
I've asked it a million times
But I never get an answer
Never a reason why

You take so much of me
You never have a clue
But it isn't anything you've done
I let it happen, time and again

There's a moment when I can stop it
A time just before launch
When I can choose nothing over something
When I still have the control

But when that moment's passed
There is nothing I can do
You take my heart, you take my soul
And I'm lost forever in your eyes

It would mean something different
If I could find a way to stop it
If there were a way to make it go away
If I knew what the hell to do

But I just get lost, again in your eyes
Listening to you sorrow and pain
And I can't help but question myself
Why do I even care???

What the FUCK were you thinking?

That's pretty much it... wtf?

I really didn't anticipate you sitting next to me at the bar.  I really didn't anticipate taking a shot with you.  I really didn't anticipate the amount of attention you showed me last night.  Was it because we were drunk again?  Was it because you really wanted to talk to me?  Was it because I looked lonely and sad?  Was it because I was being chummy with Lisa and Jenn?  Are you really that jealous or is it a power thing?  Either way, I hated it... and loved every second of it.

What really sucks now is that I have to start the process all over again.  Dig a hole, bury my soul.  There are only so many spots left and only so much more of my soul to go around.  Love me or let me go... don't keep me hanging on as your drunk-time puppet friend.  I don't wear that very well.

I love you but I need you to stop.  I can't do it any more.

I am restless...

I get this sneaking suspicion that something bad is about to happen. It's gnawing at me... like a termite, slowly eating away at my insides.  What is it?  I don't know.

but i sure hope whatever it is happens soon... i don't like this feeling

When the walls...

Why must I feel so uninspired to do anything of worth?  I don't know if the people that molded my brain at such a tender age will ever know the full extent of the damage they've done to me... I'm not sure they'd even care (which is only slightly sadder).  I need someone to just get me and someone that I can just get.  I don't want drama.  I don't want complications.  I want peace and harmony and a way to talk without saying anything.  I want that person who completely understands me and still loves me in spite of it. 

Is that too much to ask?  I don't really want anything out of life other than the opportunity to have the basic need of love fulfilled without having to work for it.  Like I said before, relationships take work... love never should.

Lonely

I have more people in my life right now than I have had in 12 years but I am lonelier than I have ever been.  Sadness just keeps creeping into my heart.  I have nowhere to turn.  Nowhere to go to find a little companionship.  I'm so afraid of the rejection, that I can't function properly.  I know how creepy it feels when I receive unwanted attention so there is no way in HELL that I would ever do that to anyone else.  I've loved you all and lost you too... all in my own mind.  If I could find a way to get past my own brain, maybe I could make it happen... but that is never going to happen because I'm a loser who will never find happiness...  never.

Try As I Might...

Why?  Why when I need you to not be there, you are?  When I need solitude to bury the feelings, you should not be there... but yet you are.  You and all your insanity, your wit, and your charm... you are fucking there.  I should know better by now that there will never be a me and you... a you that the singer sang to... but it doesn't make the bitter pill go down any faster or any smoother.  I'm lost as I have ever been and I don't know why I never saw you before.  I'm sure you and I aren't meant to be, but it feels so nice to be with you.  Like I said before, the more I know, the more I want to know... that's got to count for something, right?

Another One of Those Days

I keep trying to fight these urges...
These urges to cry.
To cry in spite
In spite of everything that's right.

I feed my depression with behavior
That makes me feel more depressed
There is probably something quite
Unhealthy about that...

Tomorrow is a different day
But will it be the same?
Or will it make me smile again?
It is terrible not to know

An Open Letter

To whom it may concern,

I am just a person, like every other person.  I need love and respect.  I want someone to take care of and someone to take care of me.  I want someone who will know when I need to talk and someone who will know when I need to be left alone.  I want a person who loves me as much as I love them... I want to love someone enough to get enough love from them.  I don't want to have to work for it.  I shouldn't have to do that.  Love isn't work.  Relationships are work, but love is not. 

I want to love myself enough to believe that I deserve all of these things.  I really want to believe in myself enough to care enough to love myself that much.  If there were ever a time in my life where I needed to learn the true meaning of love, it is now. 

I don't want crazy.  I don't want aggressive.  I want someone who can speak to me without talking... someone who can sense when it is time to hold me close.  And someone who doesn't get offended when I push them away for a while.  If you took the best qualities from all the women I knew right now, I'd get as close to perfect as I'd ever hope to be.  Problem is, they are all different women.  I am but one.  A lonely one.  A tired one.  One that needs to understand that nothing ever happens the way you plan.  Nothing is ever perfect.  I don't want perfect... there's no such thing and I've been living in a world of that for the last 15 years.  I'm paying for my earlier sins... this I understand.  I just don't know how to know when I've paid enough. 

No, I'm no saint.  I was never really good at taking a high road.  I was evil.  Parts of that evil try their best to come out when I am trying to get them away from me... I'd like to think that there exists in me the ability to be a really good person... someone a friend could count on... someone who isn't looking for something in return.

I know it only seems like I am thinking about myself.  Well, in reality, that's what this blog is for... so, yeah, I am only thinking about me here.  This is my place to let loose and say all the things that have been clogging up my brain for the last decade and a half.  This is where my soul is allowed to come out and be free... where no one can judge me except for myself... and I am my own worst critic.

There will come a time when I will hopefully get this all figured out.  I am more a work in progress now than ever before.  I'm never going to be perfect.  I will, hopefully, find happiness somewhere.  I know that I have to be happy to find happiness and as much as it pains me to say, I don't know how to do that.  I think that maybe I will have the happiness I seek and it will take someone to show me that I found it for me to see it. 

Is it you?

Sincerely,
Amy

That's Weird...

You know, now that I've finally made the decision to stop manipulating (and for day 2, I'm not doing too bad) and just be and let things happen, I must say I feel pretty good.  I ain't nobody's lover... I ain't nobody's I'm gonna be your forever... I'm just being me.  I like it.  I try not to get my hopes up too much because I know there will be a backslide and I'll feel like a failure if I don't recognize that this is going to be a long process.  A slow process that I just need to embrace and deal with.  I have felt, however, a lot less stress for the last day or so.  I'm never going to be 100%.  I recognize that I am broken... but not beyond repair.  I'll never be brand new again.  I lost that a long time ago.  The hurt is trying to leave. 

One little baby step at a time.  That's all I have right now...  I guess that's all I really need.

Purge

I have anxiety.  Lots of anxiety about a lot of different things.  Like tonight, I have to give my first actual speech in a public speaking class.  I'm not prepared (it's my own god damned fault as usual) and my attempt to 'wing it' will most likely bite me in the ass.  I don't know why I would care what these people think of me... it's not like I need their approval... I think it goes deeper than that.

I think I need EVERYONE'S approval.  This is another of my flaws.  How can I possibly be the best at everything?  It isn't possible.  I cannot compete in every event and expect to win.  Trying to do so actually prevents me from winning at anything because I am unable to focus on one thing.  I need to calm down.  I need to find peace.  I need to realize that there is nothing to be afraid of.  I HAVE TO stop taking myself so seriously.  Who the hell does that to the extent that I do?  I'm not that special.  But what's worse, is I don't have to be, and I still believe I do.

I'm trying really hard to learn to let go.  When the time comes that I can let all of this truly go, I'm not sure I will know how to act.  I wish to be free from it so badly that I'm actually taking steps to make it better and not just pissing an moaning about it.  If I can't, I'm going to end up alienating everyone.  Whether they realize it or not.  This blog is helping a lot... I started it as a way to piss and moan, but now I see it as a daily opportunity to purge... to let go just a little bit every day... it has done amazing things for my psyche.

And on the second day, she created the purge... and she saw that it was good.

To Mom

Dear Mom,
I know you always tried your best to do what you thought was best for me.  You did what was taught to you and for that I cannot be upset with you.  What does bother me is that you know how your family relationships turned out but yet you still continued to follow through on passing all of the 'wisdom' on to me.  Why was there so much pressure?  What did I ever do to you that led you to believe that I wanted and or needed that kind of 'encouragement?'  I never felt like I was ever allowed to make a mistake and to this day, I get so stressed out when I do that it sends me into a fit of rage at myself that takes me hours, sometimes days, to get over.
If I ever thought for once that you would have forgiven me for anything, I would have been a little more reckless.  I would have done more dumb stuff.  I would have been the kid that I was never allowed to be.  What kind of kid, when given the choice for their 11th birthday of a pony or a desk, picks a fucking desk???  I've never understood that decision.  I think at the time I thought a desk would be cheaper and it wouldn't put so much of a strain on us.  You should never tell a child when you don't want them to have something that you can't afford it.  If you don't want me to have it, then just tell me no... I was worried about the family's financial situation at the age of 11.  I've been worried about money ever since.  Money is stupid and I spend it too freely... maybe because I want to have something to worry about.
Something else I really need to say to you is that it makes me sad that you were trying to change me and what I looked like and how I felt about myself at such an early age.  It's not a great feeling to never feel like you were good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or even smart enough.  You trying to change me equals me believing that there is something wrong with me.  What kind of love is that? 
I know you think you were doing what was best for me.  But I wish you'd just let me figure out what that was and not trying to force feed me some crap about what I am supposed to be.  I struggle now every day because of it.  I know it isn't your fault.  It's your mother and father's fault, and their mothers and fathers' faults.  I guess that's why I unintentionally decided to break the cycle...

For whatever reason...

I'm still struggling with all of this.  I still don't know where to start.  How do I learn to let go?  How do I become the person that keeps wanting to creep out and be free?  I think it has to start with the following statement:

The world does not revolve around me.

This place that I exist is just a place.  I am a holder of some if its space.  

I wish I knew what to do here.  I wish I knew why I was here.  It can't be for my own comic relief (or if it is, I'm failing miserably).  Things are kinda falling apart right now, and I'm losing control of my mind.  Is that where it starts?  Do I have to lose control to gain it back the right way?  I'm ashamed of the person that I turned in to.  I hate that person.  She is manipulative, narcissistic, mean, and not a real friend to anyone.  I'm making strides toward fixing that and I feel like they're good strides.  But I still can't stop acting like I'm 22 again.  It's like I'm going back so I can start over or something.  How asinine is that?  I need to get my shit together.  I can't afford it for one and for another, my body can't afford it.

I still really feel a spark with you (you have no idea who you are).  I will wait it out and see though.  I will not be the needy bitch who is, well, needy.  I will not attempt to 'figure this out.'  I will let whatever happens happen.  I will not manipulate the situation.  I will be a great friend.  You will be yourself and I will be my REAL self and we'll see if it is in the cards.  Funny that you don't even know you were dealt in...  I promise it just came out of nowhere.  The more I learn, the more I want to know.  I think that's the definition of spark...

I wish there was someone who had just half as much passion for me as I have had for any one of the last 3 people I have been passionate about.  I think, though, that this will not happen until I figure out this 'who I am' business. 

Jen has been really good for me.  I should tell her that.

I just did... I'm weepy.  Thanks Jen, you really are awesome!

I feel like I'm finally ready to start letting some of this pain go.  This blog is helping, but I know I have a long damn way to go.  Where to start?  Where to start, indeed...

I wish i could control it...

Why is it, the ones we want don't want us and the ones we don't want will stop at nothing to get us?  I didn't ever think I was picky, but I know better now.  I actually think enough of myself to not settle for whatever throws itself at me... I want to have the choice.  I'm almost 36 years old and I've never allowed myself to be choosy.  I fucked up with Debbie...  I was afraid that I'd not be good enough for her and I went for the option that I thought would be 'better' for me in the long run... look where that got me.  I want you know who, but she's just as fucked up as I am and there's no way that could work... I have a beautiful person hitting on me, but I'm just not interested... I have a whack job hitting on me and I kept coming back for more... There is a beautiful person who seems to be indifferent to the whole thing and she's probably perfect for me but wants nothing but a world of freedom right now... what the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm pretty sure this is all happening to me right now to tell me that I'm just not ready.  I'm not ready for this life again.  I'm not over Jess and I'm not sure I ever will be.  I still love her.  She still loves me.  We just cannot make it work 'together'. 

I just feel like suck a fucking failure.  I don't know what I want and I'm lost in a world that wants what it wants for me and I feel like I have no choices, no control over what happens.  I know that isn't true.  I have to make some decisions, but I swear to god, I have no idea which ones to make.  I'm just lost. 

I seriously contemplated 'talking to someone' to see if they could help me sort it out, but I know that my life is so weaved with half truths, stories, and some just blatant lies that I'd never get the right 'answers' because I don't really know what the truth is yet.  I don't think I can do anything for myself until I get all the stories out.  I am damn sure nobody else can do anything for me until then...

I want to be a part of it all but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball, cry, and make the world go away.  I get entirely too angry entirely too easily and it affects everything I do.  I just don't know why I'm so mad all the time.  I'm just not sure where that started.  But I know it has everything to do with my life right now and how my life has been for the last 20 years.  I remember not being fat.  But I also remember even then how insecure I was.  Nothing I did or no way that I looked was ever going to be good enough.  Sit up straight, hold in your stomach, you got a B?, you know better than that, your face is so pretty...

Did you know that at the age of 11 I was in Weight Watchers?  I remember taking my 6th grade 'yearbook' picture and thinking to my 5' 3", 105 lb self that I was going to look fat and you can see it in my smile.  5' 3" and 105 lbs... seriously?  Why do I know how much I weighed in my 6th grade school picture?  Thanks fam... appreciated your love and support...

So now, I'm 35 years old and I'm living in my 6th grade mentality.  I cannot accept who I am because I never loved who I was.  There was always something wrong with me... I think that's why I started lying... to cover up the fact that I was just a lonely and scared 11 year old who just wanted someone, ANYONE to accept her for who she was and when no one would, I just started making things up so they wouldn't have a choice.  I learned everything I needed to know about somebody and then I started weaving the tales... the ones they couldn't resist... now I'm a master of it.  But the only trouble is, they're lies... and when the truth comes out and the lies fall apart, I have to move on... I'm too old to move on now... I think I have to start coming clean and just being myself.  Being who I was meant to be.  I guess (I hope) the rest will follow suit.

God, I just want to be me...

Good Days/Bad Days

I wake up in the morning, and I can usually tell
Is it gonna be pleasant or will it be hell?
I'm never alone except in my mind
But sometimes it so hard to find

Someone to share it with, to help me make sense
Of all this madness I find to be too intense
The things that I can't fix or mend
The things that I know I have to end

Before they kill me, before they do me in
I'm not ever worried about the sin
But the time I spend to make it real
Is time I've wasted trying to feel

Something other than nothing, anything at all
A sharp pain in my knees and elbows if I fall
Yet there is no feeling there
There's no feeling anywhere

It hurts too much to feel
It hurts too much to know
It hurts too much to want
It hurts too much... so...

Looking In the Mirror

You remind me of myself in another place and time
A little high, a little dry, and burnt by your own mind
I'd tell you what to do, if I had ever figured it out
But the thoughts that I have wasted leave that thought in doubt

I imagine if we ever tried to let the people know
We'd hear that subtle ticking of a bomb about to blow
The awful roar of a lesson that we never meant to learn
That ugly place of loneliness that our betrayals helped us earn

And in that place we'd live and watch the hours pass away
With no end and no beginning, it is here we have to stay
Just north of feeling worthless, just south of the fairy tale
In a limbo we created and carried to it our own hell

We never really make it home to the place where we feel whole
It's apparent by our lack of interest that the world has taken our soul
Over and over again we fight until we've nothing left to give
When all we're really asking for is to free our right to live

You and me are not so different as I suspected all along
We wake the same every morning to place we don't belong
To an insurmountable feeling of tired and torn and tattered
To an avalanche of insecurity and a mind that's surely shattered 

I met you once before, I think, in another place and time
A little high, and a little dry, and burnt by my own mind...

I Think I Have a Problem...

you can't run
you can't hide
you'll only fall
farther behind

until you say it
until you let it go
until you learn to forget
say it isn't so

the drug isn't always smoke
the high isn't always the drug
the sky isn't always the limit
but the outcome is

temporary insanity
of a heart in high fidelity
falling back to life
easing into reality

i dream in colors
vivid as my message
but dulled by the pain
of things that have gotten away

if i had all the answers
then what would be the point
i'd already found the end
and it wouldn't even matter

figuring out who to love
means finding out how to love
and at the pace that i'm going
it's gonna be a long road

i want to be out of my head
and live in the world with everybody else
is that too much to take on
when your mind has ruled your life

no one is perfect
why have i tried to be
it can't possibly be possible
but i knew this already

i'm going to be ok
i think i made it that far
the one's i think are destiny
are those who extinguish my star

i am lost as i've ever been
but i cannot follow you
i have to find the path for me
i have to believe that this is true

Things you need to know about me but probably never will...

• I need love like an addict needs drugs.
• People that I care about hurt me more than they will ever know by not knowing how I really feel.
• I don't feel like I should have to spell it out for them.
• I used to lie all the time and I hated myself for it.  I'm trying to be honest with everyone and I'm hating myself for that too.
• I've only felt close enough to someone to relax once in my life.  I keep getting closer and farther away to finding that again every day.
• I'm always the elephant in the room... because of who I am, what I want, what I know, or how I love... you can pick one at any given time and it would probably be right.
• I find that if I'm not in the middle of multiple levels of chaos, then I am not wanted or needed and therefore not loved.
• If I can't have what I want, I will get as close as I can and then I just make myself hurt more because I'm closer and there is no answer to my problem.
• I wonder why we only have 'those' conversations when you've been drinking... am I that terrible that you have to be drunk to think about that?  Because you know I already lived with that for 10 years and it destroyed what little self-esteem I had.
• My past has destroyed me... 
• My family has destroyed me...
• My anger has destroyed me...
• My love has destroyed me...
• This is killing me...

Dearest Little Gift For Raya

Blessings can be so simple
Your smile, your stare
The way you make me understand
I see peace in your heart

I never take you for granted
You make believe in love
You show me the way to peace
When it seems impossible to find

Dearest little gift,
You help me find some peace
When I'm sure it isn't there
When the world seems out to get me
I never have to care
Because I know that you have loved me
From the beginning to the end
And I'm sure you'll keep an eye on me
Until I find you again...

And when the rest of the world misses you
Because they think you're gone
I take refuge in the fact
That in my heart you will stay strong

Dearest little gift,
You are a celebration of my soul
I keep you with me always
I will never let you go...
Because I know that you have loved me,
From the beginning to the end
and I'm sure you'll keep an eye on me
Until You find my heart again

Sigh...

I'm high as cloud's ass
You are on my mind again

When does the music stop for you?
Does it ever end?

I know the answer to that question
We need not pretend

This is the way we are now
A lifetime perfect fucked up friend...

I feel like I am the easy love
I guess I'm just wired that way

It makes me feel important to you
When I don't have to explain

When the eyes, they touch
And there's nothing more to say

And the message is clearly written
On a sacred piece of clay...

The end isn't written for me yet,
The story is just making its way home

The beginning is kinda fuzzy
But the middle is just now being shown

No reason to lock it back away
When the lock has just been blown

It doesn't mean my mind has changed
But my heart has grown...

I won't be careless with your heart
Like I am prone to do

I'll treat it with the tender touch
That I would have had with you

There is a growing time here for me to find
What's left of my shredded ego

And use it to figure out just how long I have to wait...
Just how long you have to wait too...

But I Never Even Got to Kiss You

The table was set with the simplicity of your life.
We sat and we chatted like nothing was strange.
Then she dropped the bomb like the air we were breathing
And it took the last beat of my heart away

I never even wanted to know you,
Know you the way I wanted to
And now that you're leaving town
And I'll have to live with the moment
The last time you said goodbye
The last time I got to try
The only thing I ever knew how to do
And I never even got to kiss you...

We talked for hours on the radio dial
You sang, I listened and we stayed a while
If there was ever a moment of doubt,
It certainly wasn't now.

I played out  my heartstrings
Just to hear how you would sing
And you felt each note as they moved along
Like I made the words to your song...

I never even wanted to know you,
Know you the way I wanted to
And now that you're leaving town
And I'll have to live with the moment
The last time you said goodbye
The last time I got to try
The only thing I ever knew how to do
But, I never even got to kiss you...

And now your gone
The leaving should have been the hardest part
But your absence in my reality
Is nothing compared to what's missing in my heart

NOW BABY,

I never wanted you to know
The way I wanted you to know
The only time I'll get to try
The only time we'll say goodbye

What it is I couldn't do
To find the tune of love in you
And after all was said and it was through
I never even, not ever even
Not in a moment or two
I never even got to kiss you...

i'm learning to let you go again

I certainly don't like it, but I know it is what is right.  That's a boundary the old me would have crossed in a heartbeat... but I'd like to think that I'm a little bit better than that now... at least a little.
I love you.  I really do.  But this, this is me saying goodbye again.

Settling In

I think it's going to be ok.  It's out there. Last night was cool.  I didn't do anything stupid.  I don't feel weird today... In fact, I definitely feel a lot better.  There was only a mild weirdness but that was probably more in my head than anything else.  I almost made a dumb move, but I stopped myself (finally).  I think it's gonna be ok.  I'm gonna be ok... we're gonna be ok.
Still love you though... not gonna stop that... but it will be in its own time... I got nothing but time :)

Now What?

What do I do now? If I make contact, I'm pushy... if I don't make contact,

uh oh...

Now I've done it... I opened my mouth and let 11 years vomit out of it... Jen told me to take the whole day off from thinking. Yeah, like that is going to be a possibility. How can I not think about what I have potentially done? How many people have a affected just by saying those three little words? Well, those and about 100 more... What the hell was I thinking?

You know, they say a Virgo never does anything without a reason... if that's the truth, then I am a mother fucking asshole...

But it felt so right... it felt so good to finally say it... and I meant every word of it... and I'd say it again... and again... and again...

Eleven years is a long time to keep a secret. Should I have kept it another 11? Well, I suppose it's really too late for that thought now...

Testing, Testing, One, Two...

The sounds your brain makes in the morning
Are different than the sounds it makes at night
There is a difference of opinion
In the difference of dark and light

The sun and sound play realistic games
Over and over again
While the moon and the hounds
Wake up your primal pain

If the answer were to come in the dark
Would you be there?
I'd rather see what I can't see
Than know what is for sure

The daylight will make it harder to bear
The sun shining in your flowing hair
The pain of knowing what can never be
The pain of knowing no you, no me

The sounds your brain makes in the morning
Are different than the sounds it makes at night
There is a difference of opinion
In the difference of dark and light

It is madness..

There is a fine line between making yourself happy and being an asshole... I'm not sure I can be that asshole just to be happy. As much as I want what I cannot have, I don't want to break the rules to do it. I suppose that is my station in life. It has always been that way for me... unless I settled for something a little less than what I wanted.

You know you're going to do something stupid.

You know how this is going to end.

Why would you put everyone through that again?

What is your fucking problem?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!

Is It In Me

To do this all over again?

I seethe at that thought of starting anew
But those feelings fade when I think about you...

11 years ago, I sat at a table. I was alone in so many ways. I had just destroyed my own world by becoming the thing that I despise the most - a liar. Karma was pretty instant. I was down, really, really down. So far down, the only way out seemed to be the only way out. Before I destroyed what I thought was my whole world, she told me to check out this band. She thought I might really 'dig them.' That was a few months or so before this night...

I found myself drinking more and more (not a lot unlike now) and just wandering. I felt like I had to leave. Leave town, leave the state, leave the earth... I didn't care. But there it was... I picked up an Ace Magazine and there was a list of local bands playing in local bars and there you were. You had a regular schedule at Cheapside... I started going. You guys were awesome (and not bad on the eyes either). I continued this for a few weeks and started to feel again... started to feel a belonging that I had somehow lost in my current situation... I was sure I couldn't talk to my friends. I 'knew' they wouldn't understand all of these feelings that I was having for a lifestyle they didn't know so well.

Then it happened... I thought I would have a chance again to pick up where I left off with Tracy... we had talked and things were going ok... until she told me she had met someone else. I remember the day so vividly... I remember the feeling of my soul flying at 5000 miles an hour when I answered the phone and it was her... I remember the feeling of slamming into a brick wall at that 5000 miles per hour when she told me the news... That was it. I couldn't do it again. I couldn't live with that pain any more. I was done.

I had made the decision that I was going to go out, watch you guys play, get hammered and just find a way to hit a wall at (however fast my car would go then) and just be done. Just end it. I just could not take it anymore.

So, there I sat, middle row, 3 tables back from the stage watching what I had prepared to be my final vision. The girls that I knew would send me to a place of peace before I did it... before I did myself in. You had made it through the first set and were taking a break. You stepped down off the stage and started heading for the bathroom. Lisa got stopped along the way by someone. As you started walking, you made eye contact with me. You walked right up to me, smacked me on the knee and said, "how are you doin' sweetie?"

My brain flooded. Here I was, this thing that felt invisible, felt completely out of sorts and out of place and you acknowledged my existence... sweetly. I think I mumbled something like 'I'm fine, how are you?' (my pretty standard answer when I'm uncomfortable). Your smile stopped my heart. You continued on to note that you had seen me around and something about how I was always by myself and that most people couldn't do that... it felt like you talked to me for an hour, but I know it really couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes... but I'm pretty sure those were the most important couple of minutes of my life... Because I'm still here, 11 years later, finally writing it all down.

I never told anyone until just the other day about this story. It was a part of me that I wasn't proud of and it was a part of me that I never felt like I could tell because you were part of another. I didn't want anyone to know that I had secretly been in love with you since I laid eyes on you the first time... well before you acknowledged my existence... well before you saved my life... well before there was ever a chance.

Now the temptation arises and the situation is different... except it is an impossible situation. Now, that I've gotten close to you both, there is no way that I could ever make a move and not destroy lives that I desperately care about. My stomach is in knots. I have no appetite. I feel sick. My heart aches and breaks all at the same time.

Damnit.