Lost...

It's amazing.  Sometimes, you look back at moments that you thought were pure chaos where there were a million things going on and not nearly enough time to do them.  You truly believe that there is no way you'll ever dig your way out of everything you have to do.

Today, I find myself with a million and one things to do but it feels so much different.  It's almost like I don't want them to get done.  It's because I know what that will ultimately mean.  It will mean the end.  An end that I've been avoiding for years now... and end that didn't have to be.

If only I could be different... if only you could too.  It hurts me more to think that you will not be the biggest part of my life than I ever thought it could.  I remember when we met.  I remember those times like I just lived them yesterday.  I remember chasing you down for a year and I remember you finally giving in.  I was so scared I was going to screw it all up that I tried to play it safe... the safer I tried to play it, the more distant we became...

You didn't fall in love with safe.  You fell in love with me.  But after years of trying to be old before I was, I lost me and you lost me and we lost we.  I will never forgive myself for putting us through that.  Because the pain that I feel right now tells me that there is more love still left in my heart... more than I realized even when we first met.  And I feel like I've let you down... I feel like I let US down.

I just want you to know that I will never stop loving you.  I am sorry for losing who I was in the hopes of being who I thought I should be.  I know there is no going back.  Too many years of too much stuff make that impossible.  You told me on our wedding day that "you weren't going anywhere" and that I wasn't "going to get rid of" you "that easy." 

No, it wasn't easy... It wasn't easy at all...