An Open Letter

To whom it may concern,

I am just a person, like every other person.  I need love and respect.  I want someone to take care of and someone to take care of me.  I want someone who will know when I need to talk and someone who will know when I need to be left alone.  I want a person who loves me as much as I love them... I want to love someone enough to get enough love from them.  I don't want to have to work for it.  I shouldn't have to do that.  Love isn't work.  Relationships are work, but love is not. 

I want to love myself enough to believe that I deserve all of these things.  I really want to believe in myself enough to care enough to love myself that much.  If there were ever a time in my life where I needed to learn the true meaning of love, it is now. 

I don't want crazy.  I don't want aggressive.  I want someone who can speak to me without talking... someone who can sense when it is time to hold me close.  And someone who doesn't get offended when I push them away for a while.  If you took the best qualities from all the women I knew right now, I'd get as close to perfect as I'd ever hope to be.  Problem is, they are all different women.  I am but one.  A lonely one.  A tired one.  One that needs to understand that nothing ever happens the way you plan.  Nothing is ever perfect.  I don't want perfect... there's no such thing and I've been living in a world of that for the last 15 years.  I'm paying for my earlier sins... this I understand.  I just don't know how to know when I've paid enough. 

No, I'm no saint.  I was never really good at taking a high road.  I was evil.  Parts of that evil try their best to come out when I am trying to get them away from me... I'd like to think that there exists in me the ability to be a really good person... someone a friend could count on... someone who isn't looking for something in return.

I know it only seems like I am thinking about myself.  Well, in reality, that's what this blog is for... so, yeah, I am only thinking about me here.  This is my place to let loose and say all the things that have been clogging up my brain for the last decade and a half.  This is where my soul is allowed to come out and be free... where no one can judge me except for myself... and I am my own worst critic.

There will come a time when I will hopefully get this all figured out.  I am more a work in progress now than ever before.  I'm never going to be perfect.  I will, hopefully, find happiness somewhere.  I know that I have to be happy to find happiness and as much as it pains me to say, I don't know how to do that.  I think that maybe I will have the happiness I seek and it will take someone to show me that I found it for me to see it. 

Is it you?

Sincerely,
Amy