I Think I Have a Problem...

you can't run
you can't hide
you'll only fall
farther behind

until you say it
until you let it go
until you learn to forget
say it isn't so

the drug isn't always smoke
the high isn't always the drug
the sky isn't always the limit
but the outcome is

temporary insanity
of a heart in high fidelity
falling back to life
easing into reality

i dream in colors
vivid as my message
but dulled by the pain
of things that have gotten away

if i had all the answers
then what would be the point
i'd already found the end
and it wouldn't even matter

figuring out who to love
means finding out how to love
and at the pace that i'm going
it's gonna be a long road

i want to be out of my head
and live in the world with everybody else
is that too much to take on
when your mind has ruled your life

no one is perfect
why have i tried to be
it can't possibly be possible
but i knew this already

i'm going to be ok
i think i made it that far
the one's i think are destiny
are those who extinguish my star

i am lost as i've ever been
but i cannot follow you
i have to find the path for me
i have to believe that this is true

Things you need to know about me but probably never will...

• I need love like an addict needs drugs.
• People that I care about hurt me more than they will ever know by not knowing how I really feel.
• I don't feel like I should have to spell it out for them.
• I used to lie all the time and I hated myself for it.  I'm trying to be honest with everyone and I'm hating myself for that too.
• I've only felt close enough to someone to relax once in my life.  I keep getting closer and farther away to finding that again every day.
• I'm always the elephant in the room... because of who I am, what I want, what I know, or how I love... you can pick one at any given time and it would probably be right.
• I find that if I'm not in the middle of multiple levels of chaos, then I am not wanted or needed and therefore not loved.
• If I can't have what I want, I will get as close as I can and then I just make myself hurt more because I'm closer and there is no answer to my problem.
• I wonder why we only have 'those' conversations when you've been drinking... am I that terrible that you have to be drunk to think about that?  Because you know I already lived with that for 10 years and it destroyed what little self-esteem I had.
• My past has destroyed me... 
• My family has destroyed me...
• My anger has destroyed me...
• My love has destroyed me...
• This is killing me...

Dearest Little Gift For Raya

Blessings can be so simple
Your smile, your stare
The way you make me understand
I see peace in your heart

I never take you for granted
You make believe in love
You show me the way to peace
When it seems impossible to find

Dearest little gift,
You help me find some peace
When I'm sure it isn't there
When the world seems out to get me
I never have to care
Because I know that you have loved me
From the beginning to the end
And I'm sure you'll keep an eye on me
Until I find you again...

And when the rest of the world misses you
Because they think you're gone
I take refuge in the fact
That in my heart you will stay strong

Dearest little gift,
You are a celebration of my soul
I keep you with me always
I will never let you go...
Because I know that you have loved me,
From the beginning to the end
and I'm sure you'll keep an eye on me
Until You find my heart again

Sigh...

I'm high as cloud's ass
You are on my mind again

When does the music stop for you?
Does it ever end?

I know the answer to that question
We need not pretend

This is the way we are now
A lifetime perfect fucked up friend...

I feel like I am the easy love
I guess I'm just wired that way

It makes me feel important to you
When I don't have to explain

When the eyes, they touch
And there's nothing more to say

And the message is clearly written
On a sacred piece of clay...

The end isn't written for me yet,
The story is just making its way home

The beginning is kinda fuzzy
But the middle is just now being shown

No reason to lock it back away
When the lock has just been blown

It doesn't mean my mind has changed
But my heart has grown...

I won't be careless with your heart
Like I am prone to do

I'll treat it with the tender touch
That I would have had with you

There is a growing time here for me to find
What's left of my shredded ego

And use it to figure out just how long I have to wait...
Just how long you have to wait too...