Breathe In

Sometimes your heroes don't have far to fall... but it's only because you've lifted yourself up and realized they were never that far above you to begin with...

Your spirit haunts me to this day.  But yet, I don't fit any profile... I don't know how to handle what I cannot understand.  You make me unable to understand myself... that is the worst kind of terrorism... damnit woman... why will you not just please fucking let me go?  Why do you force me to hang on to you.  I know you're unhappy but that doesn't mean I have to be too.  Fuck you and your untouchable face.

Why Do I Even Care?

It's the same old question
I've asked it a million times
But I never get an answer
Never a reason why

You take so much of me
You never have a clue
But it isn't anything you've done
I let it happen, time and again

There's a moment when I can stop it
A time just before launch
When I can choose nothing over something
When I still have the control

But when that moment's passed
There is nothing I can do
You take my heart, you take my soul
And I'm lost forever in your eyes

It would mean something different
If I could find a way to stop it
If there were a way to make it go away
If I knew what the hell to do

But I just get lost, again in your eyes
Listening to you sorrow and pain
And I can't help but question myself
Why do I even care???

What the FUCK were you thinking?

That's pretty much it... wtf?

I really didn't anticipate you sitting next to me at the bar.  I really didn't anticipate taking a shot with you.  I really didn't anticipate the amount of attention you showed me last night.  Was it because we were drunk again?  Was it because you really wanted to talk to me?  Was it because I looked lonely and sad?  Was it because I was being chummy with Lisa and Jenn?  Are you really that jealous or is it a power thing?  Either way, I hated it... and loved every second of it.

What really sucks now is that I have to start the process all over again.  Dig a hole, bury my soul.  There are only so many spots left and only so much more of my soul to go around.  Love me or let me go... don't keep me hanging on as your drunk-time puppet friend.  I don't wear that very well.

I love you but I need you to stop.  I can't do it any more.

I am restless...

I get this sneaking suspicion that something bad is about to happen. It's gnawing at me... like a termite, slowly eating away at my insides.  What is it?  I don't know.

but i sure hope whatever it is happens soon... i don't like this feeling

When the walls...

Why must I feel so uninspired to do anything of worth?  I don't know if the people that molded my brain at such a tender age will ever know the full extent of the damage they've done to me... I'm not sure they'd even care (which is only slightly sadder).  I need someone to just get me and someone that I can just get.  I don't want drama.  I don't want complications.  I want peace and harmony and a way to talk without saying anything.  I want that person who completely understands me and still loves me in spite of it. 

Is that too much to ask?  I don't really want anything out of life other than the opportunity to have the basic need of love fulfilled without having to work for it.  Like I said before, relationships take work... love never should.

Lonely

I have more people in my life right now than I have had in 12 years but I am lonelier than I have ever been.  Sadness just keeps creeping into my heart.  I have nowhere to turn.  Nowhere to go to find a little companionship.  I'm so afraid of the rejection, that I can't function properly.  I know how creepy it feels when I receive unwanted attention so there is no way in HELL that I would ever do that to anyone else.  I've loved you all and lost you too... all in my own mind.  If I could find a way to get past my own brain, maybe I could make it happen... but that is never going to happen because I'm a loser who will never find happiness...  never.

Try As I Might...

Why?  Why when I need you to not be there, you are?  When I need solitude to bury the feelings, you should not be there... but yet you are.  You and all your insanity, your wit, and your charm... you are fucking there.  I should know better by now that there will never be a me and you... a you that the singer sang to... but it doesn't make the bitter pill go down any faster or any smoother.  I'm lost as I have ever been and I don't know why I never saw you before.  I'm sure you and I aren't meant to be, but it feels so nice to be with you.  Like I said before, the more I know, the more I want to know... that's got to count for something, right?

Another One of Those Days

I keep trying to fight these urges...
These urges to cry.
To cry in spite
In spite of everything that's right.

I feed my depression with behavior
That makes me feel more depressed
There is probably something quite
Unhealthy about that...

Tomorrow is a different day
But will it be the same?
Or will it make me smile again?
It is terrible not to know

An Open Letter

To whom it may concern,

I am just a person, like every other person.  I need love and respect.  I want someone to take care of and someone to take care of me.  I want someone who will know when I need to talk and someone who will know when I need to be left alone.  I want a person who loves me as much as I love them... I want to love someone enough to get enough love from them.  I don't want to have to work for it.  I shouldn't have to do that.  Love isn't work.  Relationships are work, but love is not. 

I want to love myself enough to believe that I deserve all of these things.  I really want to believe in myself enough to care enough to love myself that much.  If there were ever a time in my life where I needed to learn the true meaning of love, it is now. 

I don't want crazy.  I don't want aggressive.  I want someone who can speak to me without talking... someone who can sense when it is time to hold me close.  And someone who doesn't get offended when I push them away for a while.  If you took the best qualities from all the women I knew right now, I'd get as close to perfect as I'd ever hope to be.  Problem is, they are all different women.  I am but one.  A lonely one.  A tired one.  One that needs to understand that nothing ever happens the way you plan.  Nothing is ever perfect.  I don't want perfect... there's no such thing and I've been living in a world of that for the last 15 years.  I'm paying for my earlier sins... this I understand.  I just don't know how to know when I've paid enough. 

No, I'm no saint.  I was never really good at taking a high road.  I was evil.  Parts of that evil try their best to come out when I am trying to get them away from me... I'd like to think that there exists in me the ability to be a really good person... someone a friend could count on... someone who isn't looking for something in return.

I know it only seems like I am thinking about myself.  Well, in reality, that's what this blog is for... so, yeah, I am only thinking about me here.  This is my place to let loose and say all the things that have been clogging up my brain for the last decade and a half.  This is where my soul is allowed to come out and be free... where no one can judge me except for myself... and I am my own worst critic.

There will come a time when I will hopefully get this all figured out.  I am more a work in progress now than ever before.  I'm never going to be perfect.  I will, hopefully, find happiness somewhere.  I know that I have to be happy to find happiness and as much as it pains me to say, I don't know how to do that.  I think that maybe I will have the happiness I seek and it will take someone to show me that I found it for me to see it. 

Is it you?

Sincerely,
Amy

That's Weird...

You know, now that I've finally made the decision to stop manipulating (and for day 2, I'm not doing too bad) and just be and let things happen, I must say I feel pretty good.  I ain't nobody's lover... I ain't nobody's I'm gonna be your forever... I'm just being me.  I like it.  I try not to get my hopes up too much because I know there will be a backslide and I'll feel like a failure if I don't recognize that this is going to be a long process.  A slow process that I just need to embrace and deal with.  I have felt, however, a lot less stress for the last day or so.  I'm never going to be 100%.  I recognize that I am broken... but not beyond repair.  I'll never be brand new again.  I lost that a long time ago.  The hurt is trying to leave. 

One little baby step at a time.  That's all I have right now...  I guess that's all I really need.

Purge

I have anxiety.  Lots of anxiety about a lot of different things.  Like tonight, I have to give my first actual speech in a public speaking class.  I'm not prepared (it's my own god damned fault as usual) and my attempt to 'wing it' will most likely bite me in the ass.  I don't know why I would care what these people think of me... it's not like I need their approval... I think it goes deeper than that.

I think I need EVERYONE'S approval.  This is another of my flaws.  How can I possibly be the best at everything?  It isn't possible.  I cannot compete in every event and expect to win.  Trying to do so actually prevents me from winning at anything because I am unable to focus on one thing.  I need to calm down.  I need to find peace.  I need to realize that there is nothing to be afraid of.  I HAVE TO stop taking myself so seriously.  Who the hell does that to the extent that I do?  I'm not that special.  But what's worse, is I don't have to be, and I still believe I do.

I'm trying really hard to learn to let go.  When the time comes that I can let all of this truly go, I'm not sure I will know how to act.  I wish to be free from it so badly that I'm actually taking steps to make it better and not just pissing an moaning about it.  If I can't, I'm going to end up alienating everyone.  Whether they realize it or not.  This blog is helping a lot... I started it as a way to piss and moan, but now I see it as a daily opportunity to purge... to let go just a little bit every day... it has done amazing things for my psyche.

And on the second day, she created the purge... and she saw that it was good.

To Mom

Dear Mom,
I know you always tried your best to do what you thought was best for me.  You did what was taught to you and for that I cannot be upset with you.  What does bother me is that you know how your family relationships turned out but yet you still continued to follow through on passing all of the 'wisdom' on to me.  Why was there so much pressure?  What did I ever do to you that led you to believe that I wanted and or needed that kind of 'encouragement?'  I never felt like I was ever allowed to make a mistake and to this day, I get so stressed out when I do that it sends me into a fit of rage at myself that takes me hours, sometimes days, to get over.
If I ever thought for once that you would have forgiven me for anything, I would have been a little more reckless.  I would have done more dumb stuff.  I would have been the kid that I was never allowed to be.  What kind of kid, when given the choice for their 11th birthday of a pony or a desk, picks a fucking desk???  I've never understood that decision.  I think at the time I thought a desk would be cheaper and it wouldn't put so much of a strain on us.  You should never tell a child when you don't want them to have something that you can't afford it.  If you don't want me to have it, then just tell me no... I was worried about the family's financial situation at the age of 11.  I've been worried about money ever since.  Money is stupid and I spend it too freely... maybe because I want to have something to worry about.
Something else I really need to say to you is that it makes me sad that you were trying to change me and what I looked like and how I felt about myself at such an early age.  It's not a great feeling to never feel like you were good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or even smart enough.  You trying to change me equals me believing that there is something wrong with me.  What kind of love is that? 
I know you think you were doing what was best for me.  But I wish you'd just let me figure out what that was and not trying to force feed me some crap about what I am supposed to be.  I struggle now every day because of it.  I know it isn't your fault.  It's your mother and father's fault, and their mothers and fathers' faults.  I guess that's why I unintentionally decided to break the cycle...

For whatever reason...

I'm still struggling with all of this.  I still don't know where to start.  How do I learn to let go?  How do I become the person that keeps wanting to creep out and be free?  I think it has to start with the following statement:

The world does not revolve around me.

This place that I exist is just a place.  I am a holder of some if its space.  

I wish I knew what to do here.  I wish I knew why I was here.  It can't be for my own comic relief (or if it is, I'm failing miserably).  Things are kinda falling apart right now, and I'm losing control of my mind.  Is that where it starts?  Do I have to lose control to gain it back the right way?  I'm ashamed of the person that I turned in to.  I hate that person.  She is manipulative, narcissistic, mean, and not a real friend to anyone.  I'm making strides toward fixing that and I feel like they're good strides.  But I still can't stop acting like I'm 22 again.  It's like I'm going back so I can start over or something.  How asinine is that?  I need to get my shit together.  I can't afford it for one and for another, my body can't afford it.

I still really feel a spark with you (you have no idea who you are).  I will wait it out and see though.  I will not be the needy bitch who is, well, needy.  I will not attempt to 'figure this out.'  I will let whatever happens happen.  I will not manipulate the situation.  I will be a great friend.  You will be yourself and I will be my REAL self and we'll see if it is in the cards.  Funny that you don't even know you were dealt in...  I promise it just came out of nowhere.  The more I learn, the more I want to know.  I think that's the definition of spark...

I wish there was someone who had just half as much passion for me as I have had for any one of the last 3 people I have been passionate about.  I think, though, that this will not happen until I figure out this 'who I am' business. 

Jen has been really good for me.  I should tell her that.

I just did... I'm weepy.  Thanks Jen, you really are awesome!

I feel like I'm finally ready to start letting some of this pain go.  This blog is helping, but I know I have a long damn way to go.  Where to start?  Where to start, indeed...