Losing What Never Was

 It's funny.  Ya know... when you know something isn't real, but somehow you wanted it to be so bad that you didn't even trust yourself?

That's me.

That's now.

That's what I have become.

I should have been better.

I should have done better.

I should have just gone away when I had the chance.

But I am dumb

and I am weak

and I don't deserve to be happy.

People just leave.

It's just not always physical.

More than love?

Is it possible that I more than love you?  Is it possible that I can no longer see through the shadows?  This thing... this thing is big.  It's bigger than me and it's bigger than you... It's bigger than us.  Every time I try to make excuses as to why we can't work, I think of a hundred reasons why we can't not work. For the first time ever, I have found in someone the love I only really ever thought might exist... Not that I really believed in it... there are lots of things I'm beginning to question my beliefs in.  That's because of you... and me... It isn't one of us.  It isn't you that makes me do things I probably wouldn't have done before.  It is just US.  We are perfect for one another... in every sense of every word ever written about that magical feeling called love.  WE are love.  WE are more than that.  WE are that magical word that hasn't yet been made up to describe when the planets align perfectly, when two souls who are destined to find one another and somehow make it through all the trials of life and actually meet on the plane of reality where most people just live...  That's what we are... we are undefined, we are perfect, we are more than love...

Losing

It isn't important what happened... It really only matters that I felt.  For the first time, I REALLY felt something.  I'm not ashamed of what happened.  I'm not embarrassed by how I acted.  I'm sad that it had to go away.  I'm heartbroken at just how wrong I was.  I love you baby girl.  With every ounce of being in me, I love you.  I'm afraid that's never going to stop... I'm afraid I won't be able to let you go.  I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you.  I'm petrified that this was my one real shot and somehow, I blew it.  I know that you were never mine and I only borrowed you.  But you stole my heart and I'm so pissed off that I had no control to stop it.  That's why I'm angry.  Because it is real. 

I'm not sure when it hit me... It's a feeling I've struggled with my whole life.  I am a good person but sometimes I do bad things.  Bad in the moral sense... But what are morals?  Some kind of pre-conceived notion set up by a classless people looking for a little class?  We are all made of the same material.  We are all innately the same physically... Well, I'm missing a gall bladder and you might still have yours, but essentially, physically, we are the same. We are all going to live and we are all going to die someday.  Now, we can all debate until we are blue in the face about where we are going (if anywhere) after we die.  That part, I will never understand...

But what I do understand is this: if we spend our short amount of time on this planet as helpless, hopeless, and joyless souls, what the hell are we even doing here?  We have been labelled by look, by class, by action and by origin... We are already under the thumb of something that isn't even physical before we are ever born... I'm pretty tired of feeling like I have to live up to some set of standards just to fit in... I am always happiest when I realize that I don't have to do shit to be relaxed... When the situation I'm in and the people I am around just don't care who I am or what I do or what I've done... that's when I'm happy.  So, if I extrapolate just a bit, when I find myself caring what people think about me, I get this overwhelming sense now that it is time to move on and away from those people... I don't judge you (well, unless you hurt kids or animals or old people - don't fuck with the defenseless) so you have no right to pass judgement on me... Love me or hate me, but one thing is for sure... All you're ever going to get is just me.  This is what I have learned since we last blogged.  This is my life lesson #572 and I'm hoping that it is the last of the big ones...

I love you
I can't help it
You make me feel safe.
That is all I know
That is it
You are us
You are me
You are where my life lives...

Found on Pinterest

Naked
This is what I am in your presence
I have no ability to hide my soul
No reason to other than self preservation
And that isn't getting me very far

Naked
This is what I want to be in your presence
Tirelessly holding you close to me
Feeling your heart beat in my chest
Helping calm the rhythm of my own

Naked
This is how I understand your emotions
You are stripped to your barest with me
And I see inside your mind with ease
I want, no I need, to know your heart

Naked
I am exposed in front of you
I fear that I always will be
I fear that you can never be
And this is how I will die

Naked