Purge

I have anxiety.  Lots of anxiety about a lot of different things.  Like tonight, I have to give my first actual speech in a public speaking class.  I'm not prepared (it's my own god damned fault as usual) and my attempt to 'wing it' will most likely bite me in the ass.  I don't know why I would care what these people think of me... it's not like I need their approval... I think it goes deeper than that.

I think I need EVERYONE'S approval.  This is another of my flaws.  How can I possibly be the best at everything?  It isn't possible.  I cannot compete in every event and expect to win.  Trying to do so actually prevents me from winning at anything because I am unable to focus on one thing.  I need to calm down.  I need to find peace.  I need to realize that there is nothing to be afraid of.  I HAVE TO stop taking myself so seriously.  Who the hell does that to the extent that I do?  I'm not that special.  But what's worse, is I don't have to be, and I still believe I do.

I'm trying really hard to learn to let go.  When the time comes that I can let all of this truly go, I'm not sure I will know how to act.  I wish to be free from it so badly that I'm actually taking steps to make it better and not just pissing an moaning about it.  If I can't, I'm going to end up alienating everyone.  Whether they realize it or not.  This blog is helping a lot... I started it as a way to piss and moan, but now I see it as a daily opportunity to purge... to let go just a little bit every day... it has done amazing things for my psyche.

And on the second day, she created the purge... and she saw that it was good.