For whatever reason...

I'm still struggling with all of this.  I still don't know where to start.  How do I learn to let go?  How do I become the person that keeps wanting to creep out and be free?  I think it has to start with the following statement:

The world does not revolve around me.

This place that I exist is just a place.  I am a holder of some if its space.  

I wish I knew what to do here.  I wish I knew why I was here.  It can't be for my own comic relief (or if it is, I'm failing miserably).  Things are kinda falling apart right now, and I'm losing control of my mind.  Is that where it starts?  Do I have to lose control to gain it back the right way?  I'm ashamed of the person that I turned in to.  I hate that person.  She is manipulative, narcissistic, mean, and not a real friend to anyone.  I'm making strides toward fixing that and I feel like they're good strides.  But I still can't stop acting like I'm 22 again.  It's like I'm going back so I can start over or something.  How asinine is that?  I need to get my shit together.  I can't afford it for one and for another, my body can't afford it.

I still really feel a spark with you (you have no idea who you are).  I will wait it out and see though.  I will not be the needy bitch who is, well, needy.  I will not attempt to 'figure this out.'  I will let whatever happens happen.  I will not manipulate the situation.  I will be a great friend.  You will be yourself and I will be my REAL self and we'll see if it is in the cards.  Funny that you don't even know you were dealt in...  I promise it just came out of nowhere.  The more I learn, the more I want to know.  I think that's the definition of spark...

I wish there was someone who had just half as much passion for me as I have had for any one of the last 3 people I have been passionate about.  I think, though, that this will not happen until I figure out this 'who I am' business. 

Jen has been really good for me.  I should tell her that.

I just did... I'm weepy.  Thanks Jen, you really are awesome!

I feel like I'm finally ready to start letting some of this pain go.  This blog is helping, but I know I have a long damn way to go.  Where to start?  Where to start, indeed...