I wish i could control it...

Why is it, the ones we want don't want us and the ones we don't want will stop at nothing to get us?  I didn't ever think I was picky, but I know better now.  I actually think enough of myself to not settle for whatever throws itself at me... I want to have the choice.  I'm almost 36 years old and I've never allowed myself to be choosy.  I fucked up with Debbie...  I was afraid that I'd not be good enough for her and I went for the option that I thought would be 'better' for me in the long run... look where that got me.  I want you know who, but she's just as fucked up as I am and there's no way that could work... I have a beautiful person hitting on me, but I'm just not interested... I have a whack job hitting on me and I kept coming back for more... There is a beautiful person who seems to be indifferent to the whole thing and she's probably perfect for me but wants nothing but a world of freedom right now... what the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm pretty sure this is all happening to me right now to tell me that I'm just not ready.  I'm not ready for this life again.  I'm not over Jess and I'm not sure I ever will be.  I still love her.  She still loves me.  We just cannot make it work 'together'. 

I just feel like suck a fucking failure.  I don't know what I want and I'm lost in a world that wants what it wants for me and I feel like I have no choices, no control over what happens.  I know that isn't true.  I have to make some decisions, but I swear to god, I have no idea which ones to make.  I'm just lost. 

I seriously contemplated 'talking to someone' to see if they could help me sort it out, but I know that my life is so weaved with half truths, stories, and some just blatant lies that I'd never get the right 'answers' because I don't really know what the truth is yet.  I don't think I can do anything for myself until I get all the stories out.  I am damn sure nobody else can do anything for me until then...

I want to be a part of it all but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball, cry, and make the world go away.  I get entirely too angry entirely too easily and it affects everything I do.  I just don't know why I'm so mad all the time.  I'm just not sure where that started.  But I know it has everything to do with my life right now and how my life has been for the last 20 years.  I remember not being fat.  But I also remember even then how insecure I was.  Nothing I did or no way that I looked was ever going to be good enough.  Sit up straight, hold in your stomach, you got a B?, you know better than that, your face is so pretty...

Did you know that at the age of 11 I was in Weight Watchers?  I remember taking my 6th grade 'yearbook' picture and thinking to my 5' 3", 105 lb self that I was going to look fat and you can see it in my smile.  5' 3" and 105 lbs... seriously?  Why do I know how much I weighed in my 6th grade school picture?  Thanks fam... appreciated your love and support...

So now, I'm 35 years old and I'm living in my 6th grade mentality.  I cannot accept who I am because I never loved who I was.  There was always something wrong with me... I think that's why I started lying... to cover up the fact that I was just a lonely and scared 11 year old who just wanted someone, ANYONE to accept her for who she was and when no one would, I just started making things up so they wouldn't have a choice.  I learned everything I needed to know about somebody and then I started weaving the tales... the ones they couldn't resist... now I'm a master of it.  But the only trouble is, they're lies... and when the truth comes out and the lies fall apart, I have to move on... I'm too old to move on now... I think I have to start coming clean and just being myself.  Being who I was meant to be.  I guess (I hope) the rest will follow suit.

God, I just want to be me...

Good Days/Bad Days

I wake up in the morning, and I can usually tell
Is it gonna be pleasant or will it be hell?
I'm never alone except in my mind
But sometimes it so hard to find

Someone to share it with, to help me make sense
Of all this madness I find to be too intense
The things that I can't fix or mend
The things that I know I have to end

Before they kill me, before they do me in
I'm not ever worried about the sin
But the time I spend to make it real
Is time I've wasted trying to feel

Something other than nothing, anything at all
A sharp pain in my knees and elbows if I fall
Yet there is no feeling there
There's no feeling anywhere

It hurts too much to feel
It hurts too much to know
It hurts too much to want
It hurts too much... so...

Looking In the Mirror

You remind me of myself in another place and time
A little high, a little dry, and burnt by your own mind
I'd tell you what to do, if I had ever figured it out
But the thoughts that I have wasted leave that thought in doubt

I imagine if we ever tried to let the people know
We'd hear that subtle ticking of a bomb about to blow
The awful roar of a lesson that we never meant to learn
That ugly place of loneliness that our betrayals helped us earn

And in that place we'd live and watch the hours pass away
With no end and no beginning, it is here we have to stay
Just north of feeling worthless, just south of the fairy tale
In a limbo we created and carried to it our own hell

We never really make it home to the place where we feel whole
It's apparent by our lack of interest that the world has taken our soul
Over and over again we fight until we've nothing left to give
When all we're really asking for is to free our right to live

You and me are not so different as I suspected all along
We wake the same every morning to place we don't belong
To an insurmountable feeling of tired and torn and tattered
To an avalanche of insecurity and a mind that's surely shattered 

I met you once before, I think, in another place and time
A little high, and a little dry, and burnt by my own mind...