Lost...

It's amazing.  Sometimes, you look back at moments that you thought were pure chaos where there were a million things going on and not nearly enough time to do them.  You truly believe that there is no way you'll ever dig your way out of everything you have to do.

Today, I find myself with a million and one things to do but it feels so much different.  It's almost like I don't want them to get done.  It's because I know what that will ultimately mean.  It will mean the end.  An end that I've been avoiding for years now... and end that didn't have to be.

If only I could be different... if only you could too.  It hurts me more to think that you will not be the biggest part of my life than I ever thought it could.  I remember when we met.  I remember those times like I just lived them yesterday.  I remember chasing you down for a year and I remember you finally giving in.  I was so scared I was going to screw it all up that I tried to play it safe... the safer I tried to play it, the more distant we became...

You didn't fall in love with safe.  You fell in love with me.  But after years of trying to be old before I was, I lost me and you lost me and we lost we.  I will never forgive myself for putting us through that.  Because the pain that I feel right now tells me that there is more love still left in my heart... more than I realized even when we first met.  And I feel like I've let you down... I feel like I let US down.

I just want you to know that I will never stop loving you.  I am sorry for losing who I was in the hopes of being who I thought I should be.  I know there is no going back.  Too many years of too much stuff make that impossible.  You told me on our wedding day that "you weren't going anywhere" and that I wasn't "going to get rid of" you "that easy." 

No, it wasn't easy... It wasn't easy at all...

And Now You're Gone

I had planned on having a year to figure all of this out...
See what happens when I make plans?
I didn't anticipate Pops dying.  It was the farthest thing from my mind...  Of course, that's a lie.  I felt it too long ago to be comfortable with it.  What I didn't think through was how quickly you'd just up and leave.  There wasn't even a question.  "I'm going to go spend a couple of days at dad's" turned into a moving party apparently.  It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through thus far in my life to lose your dad.  I wasn't ready to lose you both at the same time.  I just never thought that was the way it would happen... I just never really thought about my life without you being the biggest part of it...  Even since we've been apart, you've still been there.  We were still cool and we were still kinda Ames and Jess... I'm pretty sure those days are gone now... Please tell me we're not completely through.  Please tell me that you and I will always be in each others lives.  I can't bear the thought of you 'dying' too.  I think I'd have to die with you...

Breathe Out

one of the last nails in the coffin as i set forth to try and realize why we are not together anymore...  You touch a part of my soul that i'm not sure god could... that i know god could not.  I see inside yours too with an x-ray vision possessed by no other soul on this planet.  We both hurt, we both see through it and know, but are completely unwilling to travel down that road again. 
you will always be special to me.  You will be the one who trusted me enough to fall in love with me... there may ne'er be another.  I may not be able to stand another one.
We almost had it right... almost.  But our differences were just to strong to prevent the overlap.

I will miss you terribly.  Most of all, in fact. 

I don't know what else i can say now...