Fuck Me

Too many times I sit alone and wonder about things that I have no control over.  Not only do I wonder, but I obsess.  I take everything entirely too personally and absorb all that pain on the inside.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm terrified that I have made a horrible decision with culinary school.  What am I going to do with a culinary degree?  If I have to be a line cook forever, not only will I not financially survive, but emotionally, I might just crack too.

This house thing has got me all tore up as well.  I don't have any answers for that.  I just can't afford to do anything with it.  Maybe... no, NO!

Beth, Heather, Julie... one of these is available and would not cause irrevocable damage to my friendships and my life.  Of course it is the one I want the least.  One of these is me, the other gets me.  Why can't I sort these feelings out?  What is so terrible about me that would even lead me to an emotional attachment to any one of these two? 

Jess... oh Jess.  I have lived under the constant fear of your thumb for too long.  I'm sure you never had any idea of the profound emotional effect you have on me.  I don't want to fight any more with you.  I don't want to even talk to you, really... it's like I am a representation to you of something that failed... something that you failed.  And we all know how well you deal with things like that.  Brush it off and move along.  That is pretty fucking pathetic on your part considering the incredible amount of pain that I went through to try and keep you in my life.  I'm not sure if you will ever grow up.  I feel like you aged me enough for both of us.  I hope you are happy now... because I am miserable enough for both of us too.  Fuck  you Jess.  That is exactly how I feel right now.  Fuck you.

And on to me... there has to be an end to this pain at some point.  I have tried to make the decision that it will not affect me anymore and I do what I can to be positive and have a good attitude, but something is missing.  There is a missing piece to the puzzle of me getting my life together.  I don't know what it is but I know it is locked away somewhere inside me and it is dying (and killing me simultaneously) to get out.  What it is, I don't know if I get to find out... I'm scared that I never will and I'll be just lost forever.  I can't handle that if that is the case.

I don't know shit anymore... I just keep thinking and then I just can't quit thinking... fuck me... Fuck me.

It isn't what you said...

I know that what you think is going to happen, isn't going to happen as rapidly as you think... I know that.  So why am I here?  It's because I didn't like the way you said it.  You made me feel like I was 4 and stupid... again.  You are so cold to me now.  How did it get to that?  How did it come to the point where I'm seriously considering giving up after all of those painful months that I struggled to hold it together and keep it going?  I went through hell for you... for me and you.  I damn near killed myself to keep us from drifting apart and in ten short minutes, you took the liberty of tearing down any bridges I fought tirelessly to keep from burning.

You're killing me and I have to make a decision.  Either I have to accept that you are just an immature bitch and deal with it, or I have to let you go.

I don't know what my answer is to that yet... I just don't know anything anymore.