This is getting harder to hold on to...

Now, I'm just randomly telling people...

I posted the Bob Marley quote only for you.  It is stupid, I know.  I just wish I knew that you knew.  At least then it wouldn't feel like I'm lying to you.  I never want to do that.  In fact, you're the one I want to tell the truth to the most... about everything, not just the way I feel about you.

I keep looking around for some sense of "this is going to be okay" and "this will give you strength," but all I keep getting is "this is going to destroy you, isn't it?"  I'm not that 20-something kid anymore who just latches on and rides the tumultuous roller coaster of obsession... but this is exactly what it feels like.  I have the most awesome, truly inspiring idea for your birthday and I'm afraid to do it.  I'm afraid that it is so incredibly thoughtful and perfect that it will reveal how I truly feel about you.  It does truly reveal how I feel about you, but would anyone else notice?  I know she would... and that is why I feel like I can't do it.

There are few words I know to describe how painful this really is to me.  Why is it, I am always attracted to the things I cannot have?  I think it used to be a defense mechanism to keep me in drama and at the center of attention... now, with you, I feel like it is some kind of cosmic test kitchen and I'm the main course.  Is it going to be seasoned properly?  Will it be tender?  Can the moments be recreated?

If anyone ever knew how long I've loved you, they'd probably be able to write a Greek tragedy about it... well, at least a Shakespearean one...

It's funny when I think back on all the times you crept in to my mind.  Those moments, lying alone, staring at the walls, mind listlessly rocking back and forth to music, and BOOM! there you are.  Smiling and laughing, stoic and on the verge of tears, drunk and staring... this is what happens.  I'm not crazy and I know something is there.  But I don't think 'there' for you and 'there' for me are working from the same map.

I'm not opposed to being your friend for the rest of our lives.  I would cherish every moment of it.  I just fear what might come out if I stumble on my words, or forget where I am, or see a look from you that I just don't understand.  And if that happens, I'm afraid of destroying a remarkable connection... a bond that seems so unbreakable, yet so very fragile.  I must stop.  This will not end well for at least one of us and possibly for three or more of us.  I need to bury this, but there is no more room and the scars of my heart won't let it be open enough again to find a decent hiding spot.

I guess I'm just going to have to hop on that roller coaster again and wait with closed eyes and an erratically beating heart for it to be over...