To Mom

Dear Mom,
I know you always tried your best to do what you thought was best for me.  You did what was taught to you and for that I cannot be upset with you.  What does bother me is that you know how your family relationships turned out but yet you still continued to follow through on passing all of the 'wisdom' on to me.  Why was there so much pressure?  What did I ever do to you that led you to believe that I wanted and or needed that kind of 'encouragement?'  I never felt like I was ever allowed to make a mistake and to this day, I get so stressed out when I do that it sends me into a fit of rage at myself that takes me hours, sometimes days, to get over.
If I ever thought for once that you would have forgiven me for anything, I would have been a little more reckless.  I would have done more dumb stuff.  I would have been the kid that I was never allowed to be.  What kind of kid, when given the choice for their 11th birthday of a pony or a desk, picks a fucking desk???  I've never understood that decision.  I think at the time I thought a desk would be cheaper and it wouldn't put so much of a strain on us.  You should never tell a child when you don't want them to have something that you can't afford it.  If you don't want me to have it, then just tell me no... I was worried about the family's financial situation at the age of 11.  I've been worried about money ever since.  Money is stupid and I spend it too freely... maybe because I want to have something to worry about.
Something else I really need to say to you is that it makes me sad that you were trying to change me and what I looked like and how I felt about myself at such an early age.  It's not a great feeling to never feel like you were good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or even smart enough.  You trying to change me equals me believing that there is something wrong with me.  What kind of love is that? 
I know you think you were doing what was best for me.  But I wish you'd just let me figure out what that was and not trying to force feed me some crap about what I am supposed to be.  I struggle now every day because of it.  I know it isn't your fault.  It's your mother and father's fault, and their mothers and fathers' faults.  I guess that's why I unintentionally decided to break the cycle...