But I Never Even Got to Kiss You

The table was set with the simplicity of your life.
We sat and we chatted like nothing was strange.
Then she dropped the bomb like the air we were breathing
And it took the last beat of my heart away

I never even wanted to know you,
Know you the way I wanted to
And now that you're leaving town
And I'll have to live with the moment
The last time you said goodbye
The last time I got to try
The only thing I ever knew how to do
And I never even got to kiss you...

We talked for hours on the radio dial
You sang, I listened and we stayed a while
If there was ever a moment of doubt,
It certainly wasn't now.

I played out  my heartstrings
Just to hear how you would sing
And you felt each note as they moved along
Like I made the words to your song...

I never even wanted to know you,
Know you the way I wanted to
And now that you're leaving town
And I'll have to live with the moment
The last time you said goodbye
The last time I got to try
The only thing I ever knew how to do
But, I never even got to kiss you...

And now your gone
The leaving should have been the hardest part
But your absence in my reality
Is nothing compared to what's missing in my heart

NOW BABY,

I never wanted you to know
The way I wanted you to know
The only time I'll get to try
The only time we'll say goodbye

What it is I couldn't do
To find the tune of love in you
And after all was said and it was through
I never even, not ever even
Not in a moment or two
I never even got to kiss you...

i'm learning to let you go again

I certainly don't like it, but I know it is what is right.  That's a boundary the old me would have crossed in a heartbeat... but I'd like to think that I'm a little bit better than that now... at least a little.
I love you.  I really do.  But this, this is me saying goodbye again.

Settling In

I think it's going to be ok.  It's out there. Last night was cool.  I didn't do anything stupid.  I don't feel weird today... In fact, I definitely feel a lot better.  There was only a mild weirdness but that was probably more in my head than anything else.  I almost made a dumb move, but I stopped myself (finally).  I think it's gonna be ok.  I'm gonna be ok... we're gonna be ok.
Still love you though... not gonna stop that... but it will be in its own time... I got nothing but time :)

Now What?

What do I do now? If I make contact, I'm pushy... if I don't make contact,

uh oh...

Now I've done it... I opened my mouth and let 11 years vomit out of it... Jen told me to take the whole day off from thinking. Yeah, like that is going to be a possibility. How can I not think about what I have potentially done? How many people have a affected just by saying those three little words? Well, those and about 100 more... What the hell was I thinking?

You know, they say a Virgo never does anything without a reason... if that's the truth, then I am a mother fucking asshole...

But it felt so right... it felt so good to finally say it... and I meant every word of it... and I'd say it again... and again... and again...

Eleven years is a long time to keep a secret. Should I have kept it another 11? Well, I suppose it's really too late for that thought now...

Testing, Testing, One, Two...

The sounds your brain makes in the morning
Are different than the sounds it makes at night
There is a difference of opinion
In the difference of dark and light

The sun and sound play realistic games
Over and over again
While the moon and the hounds
Wake up your primal pain

If the answer were to come in the dark
Would you be there?
I'd rather see what I can't see
Than know what is for sure

The daylight will make it harder to bear
The sun shining in your flowing hair
The pain of knowing what can never be
The pain of knowing no you, no me

The sounds your brain makes in the morning
Are different than the sounds it makes at night
There is a difference of opinion
In the difference of dark and light

It is madness..

There is a fine line between making yourself happy and being an asshole... I'm not sure I can be that asshole just to be happy. As much as I want what I cannot have, I don't want to break the rules to do it. I suppose that is my station in life. It has always been that way for me... unless I settled for something a little less than what I wanted.

You know you're going to do something stupid.

You know how this is going to end.

Why would you put everyone through that again?

What is your fucking problem?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!

Is It In Me

To do this all over again?

I seethe at that thought of starting anew
But those feelings fade when I think about you...

11 years ago, I sat at a table. I was alone in so many ways. I had just destroyed my own world by becoming the thing that I despise the most - a liar. Karma was pretty instant. I was down, really, really down. So far down, the only way out seemed to be the only way out. Before I destroyed what I thought was my whole world, she told me to check out this band. She thought I might really 'dig them.' That was a few months or so before this night...

I found myself drinking more and more (not a lot unlike now) and just wandering. I felt like I had to leave. Leave town, leave the state, leave the earth... I didn't care. But there it was... I picked up an Ace Magazine and there was a list of local bands playing in local bars and there you were. You had a regular schedule at Cheapside... I started going. You guys were awesome (and not bad on the eyes either). I continued this for a few weeks and started to feel again... started to feel a belonging that I had somehow lost in my current situation... I was sure I couldn't talk to my friends. I 'knew' they wouldn't understand all of these feelings that I was having for a lifestyle they didn't know so well.

Then it happened... I thought I would have a chance again to pick up where I left off with Tracy... we had talked and things were going ok... until she told me she had met someone else. I remember the day so vividly... I remember the feeling of my soul flying at 5000 miles an hour when I answered the phone and it was her... I remember the feeling of slamming into a brick wall at that 5000 miles per hour when she told me the news... That was it. I couldn't do it again. I couldn't live with that pain any more. I was done.

I had made the decision that I was going to go out, watch you guys play, get hammered and just find a way to hit a wall at (however fast my car would go then) and just be done. Just end it. I just could not take it anymore.

So, there I sat, middle row, 3 tables back from the stage watching what I had prepared to be my final vision. The girls that I knew would send me to a place of peace before I did it... before I did myself in. You had made it through the first set and were taking a break. You stepped down off the stage and started heading for the bathroom. Lisa got stopped along the way by someone. As you started walking, you made eye contact with me. You walked right up to me, smacked me on the knee and said, "how are you doin' sweetie?"

My brain flooded. Here I was, this thing that felt invisible, felt completely out of sorts and out of place and you acknowledged my existence... sweetly. I think I mumbled something like 'I'm fine, how are you?' (my pretty standard answer when I'm uncomfortable). Your smile stopped my heart. You continued on to note that you had seen me around and something about how I was always by myself and that most people couldn't do that... it felt like you talked to me for an hour, but I know it really couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes... but I'm pretty sure those were the most important couple of minutes of my life... Because I'm still here, 11 years later, finally writing it all down.

I never told anyone until just the other day about this story. It was a part of me that I wasn't proud of and it was a part of me that I never felt like I could tell because you were part of another. I didn't want anyone to know that I had secretly been in love with you since I laid eyes on you the first time... well before you acknowledged my existence... well before you saved my life... well before there was ever a chance.

Now the temptation arises and the situation is different... except it is an impossible situation. Now, that I've gotten close to you both, there is no way that I could ever make a move and not destroy lives that I desperately care about. My stomach is in knots. I have no appetite. I feel sick. My heart aches and breaks all at the same time.

Damnit.