Is It In Me

To do this all over again?

I seethe at that thought of starting anew
But those feelings fade when I think about you...

11 years ago, I sat at a table. I was alone in so many ways. I had just destroyed my own world by becoming the thing that I despise the most - a liar. Karma was pretty instant. I was down, really, really down. So far down, the only way out seemed to be the only way out. Before I destroyed what I thought was my whole world, she told me to check out this band. She thought I might really 'dig them.' That was a few months or so before this night...

I found myself drinking more and more (not a lot unlike now) and just wandering. I felt like I had to leave. Leave town, leave the state, leave the earth... I didn't care. But there it was... I picked up an Ace Magazine and there was a list of local bands playing in local bars and there you were. You had a regular schedule at Cheapside... I started going. You guys were awesome (and not bad on the eyes either). I continued this for a few weeks and started to feel again... started to feel a belonging that I had somehow lost in my current situation... I was sure I couldn't talk to my friends. I 'knew' they wouldn't understand all of these feelings that I was having for a lifestyle they didn't know so well.

Then it happened... I thought I would have a chance again to pick up where I left off with Tracy... we had talked and things were going ok... until she told me she had met someone else. I remember the day so vividly... I remember the feeling of my soul flying at 5000 miles an hour when I answered the phone and it was her... I remember the feeling of slamming into a brick wall at that 5000 miles per hour when she told me the news... That was it. I couldn't do it again. I couldn't live with that pain any more. I was done.

I had made the decision that I was going to go out, watch you guys play, get hammered and just find a way to hit a wall at (however fast my car would go then) and just be done. Just end it. I just could not take it anymore.

So, there I sat, middle row, 3 tables back from the stage watching what I had prepared to be my final vision. The girls that I knew would send me to a place of peace before I did it... before I did myself in. You had made it through the first set and were taking a break. You stepped down off the stage and started heading for the bathroom. Lisa got stopped along the way by someone. As you started walking, you made eye contact with me. You walked right up to me, smacked me on the knee and said, "how are you doin' sweetie?"

My brain flooded. Here I was, this thing that felt invisible, felt completely out of sorts and out of place and you acknowledged my existence... sweetly. I think I mumbled something like 'I'm fine, how are you?' (my pretty standard answer when I'm uncomfortable). Your smile stopped my heart. You continued on to note that you had seen me around and something about how I was always by myself and that most people couldn't do that... it felt like you talked to me for an hour, but I know it really couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes... but I'm pretty sure those were the most important couple of minutes of my life... Because I'm still here, 11 years later, finally writing it all down.

I never told anyone until just the other day about this story. It was a part of me that I wasn't proud of and it was a part of me that I never felt like I could tell because you were part of another. I didn't want anyone to know that I had secretly been in love with you since I laid eyes on you the first time... well before you acknowledged my existence... well before you saved my life... well before there was ever a chance.

Now the temptation arises and the situation is different... except it is an impossible situation. Now, that I've gotten close to you both, there is no way that I could ever make a move and not destroy lives that I desperately care about. My stomach is in knots. I have no appetite. I feel sick. My heart aches and breaks all at the same time.

Damnit.