I love you
I can't help it
You make me feel safe.
That is all I know
That is it
You are us
You are me
You are where my life lives...

Found on Pinterest

Naked
This is what I am in your presence
I have no ability to hide my soul
No reason to other than self preservation
And that isn't getting me very far

Naked
This is what I want to be in your presence
Tirelessly holding you close to me
Feeling your heart beat in my chest
Helping calm the rhythm of my own

Naked
This is how I understand your emotions
You are stripped to your barest with me
And I see inside your mind with ease
I want, no I need, to know your heart

Naked
I am exposed in front of you
I fear that I always will be
I fear that you can never be
And this is how I will die

Naked

Fuck Me

Too many times I sit alone and wonder about things that I have no control over.  Not only do I wonder, but I obsess.  I take everything entirely too personally and absorb all that pain on the inside.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm terrified that I have made a horrible decision with culinary school.  What am I going to do with a culinary degree?  If I have to be a line cook forever, not only will I not financially survive, but emotionally, I might just crack too.

This house thing has got me all tore up as well.  I don't have any answers for that.  I just can't afford to do anything with it.  Maybe... no, NO!

Beth, Heather, Julie... one of these is available and would not cause irrevocable damage to my friendships and my life.  Of course it is the one I want the least.  One of these is me, the other gets me.  Why can't I sort these feelings out?  What is so terrible about me that would even lead me to an emotional attachment to any one of these two? 

Jess... oh Jess.  I have lived under the constant fear of your thumb for too long.  I'm sure you never had any idea of the profound emotional effect you have on me.  I don't want to fight any more with you.  I don't want to even talk to you, really... it's like I am a representation to you of something that failed... something that you failed.  And we all know how well you deal with things like that.  Brush it off and move along.  That is pretty fucking pathetic on your part considering the incredible amount of pain that I went through to try and keep you in my life.  I'm not sure if you will ever grow up.  I feel like you aged me enough for both of us.  I hope you are happy now... because I am miserable enough for both of us too.  Fuck  you Jess.  That is exactly how I feel right now.  Fuck you.

And on to me... there has to be an end to this pain at some point.  I have tried to make the decision that it will not affect me anymore and I do what I can to be positive and have a good attitude, but something is missing.  There is a missing piece to the puzzle of me getting my life together.  I don't know what it is but I know it is locked away somewhere inside me and it is dying (and killing me simultaneously) to get out.  What it is, I don't know if I get to find out... I'm scared that I never will and I'll be just lost forever.  I can't handle that if that is the case.

I don't know shit anymore... I just keep thinking and then I just can't quit thinking... fuck me... Fuck me.

It isn't what you said...

I know that what you think is going to happen, isn't going to happen as rapidly as you think... I know that.  So why am I here?  It's because I didn't like the way you said it.  You made me feel like I was 4 and stupid... again.  You are so cold to me now.  How did it get to that?  How did it come to the point where I'm seriously considering giving up after all of those painful months that I struggled to hold it together and keep it going?  I went through hell for you... for me and you.  I damn near killed myself to keep us from drifting apart and in ten short minutes, you took the liberty of tearing down any bridges I fought tirelessly to keep from burning.

You're killing me and I have to make a decision.  Either I have to accept that you are just an immature bitch and deal with it, or I have to let you go.

I don't know what my answer is to that yet... I just don't know anything anymore.

This is getting harder to hold on to...

Now, I'm just randomly telling people...

I posted the Bob Marley quote only for you.  It is stupid, I know.  I just wish I knew that you knew.  At least then it wouldn't feel like I'm lying to you.  I never want to do that.  In fact, you're the one I want to tell the truth to the most... about everything, not just the way I feel about you.

I keep looking around for some sense of "this is going to be okay" and "this will give you strength," but all I keep getting is "this is going to destroy you, isn't it?"  I'm not that 20-something kid anymore who just latches on and rides the tumultuous roller coaster of obsession... but this is exactly what it feels like.  I have the most awesome, truly inspiring idea for your birthday and I'm afraid to do it.  I'm afraid that it is so incredibly thoughtful and perfect that it will reveal how I truly feel about you.  It does truly reveal how I feel about you, but would anyone else notice?  I know she would... and that is why I feel like I can't do it.

There are few words I know to describe how painful this really is to me.  Why is it, I am always attracted to the things I cannot have?  I think it used to be a defense mechanism to keep me in drama and at the center of attention... now, with you, I feel like it is some kind of cosmic test kitchen and I'm the main course.  Is it going to be seasoned properly?  Will it be tender?  Can the moments be recreated?

If anyone ever knew how long I've loved you, they'd probably be able to write a Greek tragedy about it... well, at least a Shakespearean one...

It's funny when I think back on all the times you crept in to my mind.  Those moments, lying alone, staring at the walls, mind listlessly rocking back and forth to music, and BOOM! there you are.  Smiling and laughing, stoic and on the verge of tears, drunk and staring... this is what happens.  I'm not crazy and I know something is there.  But I don't think 'there' for you and 'there' for me are working from the same map.

I'm not opposed to being your friend for the rest of our lives.  I would cherish every moment of it.  I just fear what might come out if I stumble on my words, or forget where I am, or see a look from you that I just don't understand.  And if that happens, I'm afraid of destroying a remarkable connection... a bond that seems so unbreakable, yet so very fragile.  I must stop.  This will not end well for at least one of us and possibly for three or more of us.  I need to bury this, but there is no more room and the scars of my heart won't let it be open enough again to find a decent hiding spot.

I guess I'm just going to have to hop on that roller coaster again and wait with closed eyes and an erratically beating heart for it to be over...

I'm Tired...

I don't normally bitch about stuff... I'm more of a lamenter.  But I want things that I can't have and it kinda irks me.  I'm not asking for the world.  I'm asking for someone who gets me and wants to be with me for me.  Someone who will talk to me and wants to know what is going on in my mind.  Someone who doesn't judge my brain, but someone who accepts it for all its flaws and idiosyncrasies.  I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be.  I am human and I need to be loved... just like everybody else does.  I want to feel at ease wherever I am and know that no matter what, I have the support of someone who is willing to go to the end of the earth for me and with me...

That is all.  Just a bitchy moment.

What's Really Going On?

I feel like every time I get a handle on things, something throws me a curve ball.  I feel like there is always something gnawing at the back of my psyche telling me that it is time to make a move.  But what move?  I over-calculate everything and it gets a little cumbersome when you don't know any longer what equation you are trying to solve.

I keep trying to bury feelings that I know I cannot.  It is a complete denial of who I am and I know that it is eating me up inside.  I am not a cheater.  I do not condone cheating.  I would never be a part of any part of that scenario, so I leave it.  But with every obstacle I create, you build a bridge.  I know you only need a friend, but the question creeps in sometimes, "is that really all you need?" and then I feel like a jerk again.

You love her, she loves you... but unfortunately for only me, I love you too.  In some ways, I know I always have.  You crept into my thoughts even when I didn't see you for years.  You seep into my thoughts when I least expected you to and now you consume them.  I can't tell if this is the universe telling me that it is never going to happen or if it is merely telling me that you are worth whatever wait it has in mind...

I think there is a bond there that could never be breached, but I also know that everything in life is fragile and if the balance is upset somehow by some ridiculous action on my part, there could be damage beyond repair.  There isn't anything in this world that matches the connection that I feel with you.  There is pain that we share and dreams that we've yet to reach.  But we are sharing these experiences together in the purest way that I know. 

I could never be that person that causes that kind of pain.  I'm just not built for it anymore.  I could have at one point in my life, but I've grown too much to put anyone else through that growing pain that I endured.  I know that I haven't fooled anyone with my denial.  All I have done is gained a small amount of trust based on my actions.  Actions that I intend to keep pure so that this trust will not be broken... ever. 

The universe drew us all together in a picture that is still being created.  There's a new sunset every day and a new sunrise for all the world to see.  If you try for just one moment, you can feel the energy among us.  It doesn't take much to notice that she's noticing me noticing you.  It doesn't take much to notice that you're noticing me, noticing you.  And, for the love of god, it surely doesn't take much for me to notice you, noticing me.

I don't want to create any turmoil... well, no more that just what I feel.  But it is apparent that patience and time is all I really have.  It is really all I know how to be any more... patient.  You mean more to me than I can possibly fathom. 

I feel like I've said all of these things before... about others... sometimes about you.  But this is the first time I really ever 'felt' it.  In my heart.  This isn't some childish yearning that I don't understand and therefore I feel overly consumed by it.  This is something that touches me at my core... something that I'm willing to protect... something that I'm willing to wait for.  When you strip away the immaturity and the obsessive/compulsive tendencies that I have, this is more than that.  With you, there is restraint and self-control because I need you in my life, however that might be, and I know that this is worth me protecting with every sense of care and compassion I have.

This is the one that I am willing to never have to protect what I would always have.  That's how much it means to me.  This is how much you mean to me... and somehow, I know that you know that.  And that is why this truly is what it is and no one can take that away.

I love you.  And if being your best friend is what I have to do to keep you in my life, then that is what I will do.  I guess the universe will tell me where to go from here... somehow, it always does...

Mother Jane... the last night.

There is a time at which everything you know changes

We all go through it… the ups and downs of life

The ins and outs of our minds

The souls we try so desperately to keep under our hats

Change is only a small part of it all

Because you hope that whatever comes your way

There are other souls around you that will

Help to carry your spirit when it cannot fly on its own

A true testament to the love of your life

When you realize you have made it this far

Knowing full well that your spirit

Has been broken more than once

Your penance for this amazing passage through time?

It is to be that carriage for someone else’s spirit

When they too have found themselves

With a set of broken wings

To all of my friends whom I dearly love

My back is always there

When your load is too much to bear

When you find yourself under too much weight to carry

I met Lisa and Beth in the summer of 2000.  I was just a scared and helpless soul that needed a ride to the other side.  Mother Jane was my first real contact into a world in which I was terrified to realize that I was a part of and their love, kindness, generosity, and friendship helped see that I made it through.  I remember the first night I saw them… I remember the night they saved my life.  I remember the hundreds of nights at Mia’s and the road trips to parts unknown with all of my friends just to watch them play.  I will never forget all of the good times they made for me and all of the hard times they helped me through.

For the times when we were apart, they were always in my heart.  And as difficult as it is for me to believe, that just when I found them again, they aren’t going to be Mother Jane anymore, I know that the chapter of their lives that is Mother Jane was one of great impact.  Not only on me, but by the sight of all of you here tonight, I have to believe that it reaches places we never dreamed of. 

So now, I would like to raise my glass to Beth and to Lisa and wish them the best of luck as they begin to write the next chapter in their lives and I hope that they get a sense of just how important the last chapter really was to everyone who was privileged enough to get to read it.