What's Really Going On?

I feel like every time I get a handle on things, something throws me a curve ball.  I feel like there is always something gnawing at the back of my psyche telling me that it is time to make a move.  But what move?  I over-calculate everything and it gets a little cumbersome when you don't know any longer what equation you are trying to solve.

I keep trying to bury feelings that I know I cannot.  It is a complete denial of who I am and I know that it is eating me up inside.  I am not a cheater.  I do not condone cheating.  I would never be a part of any part of that scenario, so I leave it.  But with every obstacle I create, you build a bridge.  I know you only need a friend, but the question creeps in sometimes, "is that really all you need?" and then I feel like a jerk again.

You love her, she loves you... but unfortunately for only me, I love you too.  In some ways, I know I always have.  You crept into my thoughts even when I didn't see you for years.  You seep into my thoughts when I least expected you to and now you consume them.  I can't tell if this is the universe telling me that it is never going to happen or if it is merely telling me that you are worth whatever wait it has in mind...

I think there is a bond there that could never be breached, but I also know that everything in life is fragile and if the balance is upset somehow by some ridiculous action on my part, there could be damage beyond repair.  There isn't anything in this world that matches the connection that I feel with you.  There is pain that we share and dreams that we've yet to reach.  But we are sharing these experiences together in the purest way that I know. 

I could never be that person that causes that kind of pain.  I'm just not built for it anymore.  I could have at one point in my life, but I've grown too much to put anyone else through that growing pain that I endured.  I know that I haven't fooled anyone with my denial.  All I have done is gained a small amount of trust based on my actions.  Actions that I intend to keep pure so that this trust will not be broken... ever. 

The universe drew us all together in a picture that is still being created.  There's a new sunset every day and a new sunrise for all the world to see.  If you try for just one moment, you can feel the energy among us.  It doesn't take much to notice that she's noticing me noticing you.  It doesn't take much to notice that you're noticing me, noticing you.  And, for the love of god, it surely doesn't take much for me to notice you, noticing me.

I don't want to create any turmoil... well, no more that just what I feel.  But it is apparent that patience and time is all I really have.  It is really all I know how to be any more... patient.  You mean more to me than I can possibly fathom. 

I feel like I've said all of these things before... about others... sometimes about you.  But this is the first time I really ever 'felt' it.  In my heart.  This isn't some childish yearning that I don't understand and therefore I feel overly consumed by it.  This is something that touches me at my core... something that I'm willing to protect... something that I'm willing to wait for.  When you strip away the immaturity and the obsessive/compulsive tendencies that I have, this is more than that.  With you, there is restraint and self-control because I need you in my life, however that might be, and I know that this is worth me protecting with every sense of care and compassion I have.

This is the one that I am willing to never have to protect what I would always have.  That's how much it means to me.  This is how much you mean to me... and somehow, I know that you know that.  And that is why this truly is what it is and no one can take that away.

I love you.  And if being your best friend is what I have to do to keep you in my life, then that is what I will do.  I guess the universe will tell me where to go from here... somehow, it always does...